Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Letting Down Nicholas

Yesterday was one of those hard day with Fibromyalgia and surgery recovery.  I have to let down Nicholas our 13 year old son.  Out of the blue I got a severe headache.  The type pain medicine does not do much for.

Nicholas had a Boy Scout Troop Meeting last night, and there was no way I could drive with the headache I had, plus I did end up taking pain medicine to bring it into a bit of control.  We attempted to find a ride for him, but since it was opening day of Deer Hunting Season here in Michigan many of the boys were out in the woods hunting with there dads.  So I hope he did not miss too much.

Nicholas was great.  He really sounded sincere when he said it was OK and that he understood, but as his mom I did not think it was OK.  I felt terrible as he has really been trying to be good and do as we ask of him.  Plus Ed, dad and hubby, is working extra crazy hours this week so he couldn't help and take Nicholas either. 

I have also been having a lot of overall pain the last fee days so Nicholas is helping with his brothers some.  It is so hard to have to have him do this.  I mean once in a while is fine and expected, but lately  I have had a hard time.  I am flaring a lot easier and I know a lot is because I have not been as active and now we are getting into colder weather and in Michigan it can be warm one day and really cold the next this time of year.  That is no fun with Fibromyalgia.  It is also affecting my sinus comfort as I am still healing.

Now I just got home from my ENT doctor and he did a Nasal Vacuum on my sinuses. The numbing medicine is wearing off and I am beginning to have that wonderful headache again.  I have prepared by stopping at the store and buying Pasties (Jacob has been asking for them) so they can just be popped in over.  As much as I don't want to be a Zombie I am thinking I may need to, hence again Nicholas will need to help a bit with things. 

It is so hard to live with this and have to lean on my family, especially my boys.  I am so far behind on everything.  I am tired of the pain, and I am sure they are tired of taking care of me.  I know it affects my guys.  I know my husband Ed understands, and possibly Nicholas.  I am not so sure about the other two.  I try not to feel guilty as it feeds the pain and depression and then a vicious cycle starts, but it is hard not to.  I just try to tell myself there are others a lot worse off and we all have our challenges.  For me this is mine.  Balancing a painful, energy zapping condition with everything else in life.

1 comment:

  1. Shannon reading this makes me think back to my childhood years. I in fact was very close to Nicholas' age. My mother had 7 surgeries ( major ones) in a period of about 3 years. Being I was the oldest ( I am 7 and 9 years older than my sisters) mom had to really depend on me. I so do not ever having bitter feelings over it. And I must say it really did teach me a lot of things I may not have learned as well such as planning and cooking a full meal for a family, watching young kids, making sure my sisters we bathed and ready for bed on a schedule then up and ready for school on time etc. I learned to grocery shop early on.

    I think this is one thing that helped me over my married life. I learned compassion for people and a lot of lifes lessons from this experience.

    I am sure that Nicholas understands and is not resentful in any way. He will thank you for all you could do and will never harbor any feeling of resentment that he could not be at a meeting because he needed to help you.

    I hope this experience of mine will help you understand your feelings. You are not letting him down in a sence you are helping him to have compassion and love for those who need the help.