Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Furious, Yet Guilty Feeling

I apologize if this is not written in perfect form.  I am so furious with Nicholas our oldest son.  I also feel guilty about what has happened.  I wonder if he is acting out.

The boys were suppose to be in bed a while ago.  Ed and I were on the computer and watching TV, winding down for the evening.  Out of the blue the smoke alarm goes off.  I did not think much of it.  They are sensitive.  Maybe the heater set it off.  Ed went to investigate just in case.

A while had passed so I hobble out (remember the sprained ankle) to see what was up.  He was upstairs and I heard Nicholas crying.  I managed to make it up the stairs.  The more I climbed the stronger the smell of smoke was.  I make it to his room and Ed informs me he was setting things on fire.

Nicholas is just screaming leave.  Ed is telling him he is back to no privileges which we have been lightening up on as he has been pretty good.  I just stand there stunned.  I was so angry, so hurt.  Nicholas is so smart.  He know what could happen.  I could not even speak.  I have yet to say anything since it happened.

I so feel this is all my fault as I have not been able to do things like normal.  I wonder if he is feeling he has to take on more because I can't.  Between the ankle and the flaring in my back I have been drugged and in bed most of the last week.  I have been off my feet for over a month now.  Starting little fires seems so extreme. 

I am going to have to be more aware and with them more.  Not sure how when I haven't even been able to take care of myself.  I don't know what I should do or where to go.  I will try and talk to him tomorrow, but I usually get no response.  Ed is better and I will have him involved. 

If he did this because of me I am going to be so heartbroken.  I know a lot of kids do this.  My brother did, though I do believe he was younger the 12.  I just want happy, healthy, well-adjusted boys, but I feel because of Fibromyalgia I am failing them.  I just can't be going all the time and I do just need to rest at times and unfortunately I am done in by time they get home from school.  I will have to figure a way to push through and do more even if I have to suffer as I cannot and will not let my boys suffer because of this thing call Fibromyalgia.


  1. Shannon you can NOT take all of the blame for this! You know this isn't the first issue you have had issues with Nicholas. I am so sorry that you now have to deal with this on top of everything else. Have Ed talk to him, and tell him if he needs to talk to someone else you will find someone to help him. Know that your friends are here to help you through this! <3

  2. Can the boys go to counseling? Maybe if they have someone else to talk to, and get advice from, it would help. I had to go to a lot of counseling on and off throughout my childhood. Sometimes it really helped me deal with things that were beyond my control.

  3. This is in no way your fault. Nicholas is old enough to know better. He knows you hurt and have health issues too. I'm with Peg. See what counseling serives his school offers and talk with his teacher about his attitude to see if there is something the guidance counselor can do.