Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Bad Scoring and Slight Agoraphobia Now

We as moms with or without any debilitating thing are so stressed.  I feel like I am still falling apart despite medicine changes and therapy.  I am just so impatient.  I know this is going to be a long road for me to get back to myself so I can be everything I want to be; a great wife, mom, and friend.

I am really happy and I am happy I have finally found and am receiving the help I need.  That said, it is so overwhelming.  Today in therapy my therapist had me take the Breck Test I think it is called.  On one the anxiety part I score moderate, not the greatest.  On the depression part I got a 54 I think it was with 64 being the worst and something like 29 being moderate.  As you can see it is really going to take a commitment to feel better.  I am determined though no matter how long or what it takes.

I am also starting to develop a bit of agoraphobia he said.  I am afraid to drive or go out in public.  I am definitely in an avoidance phase with this.  Like tonight my wonderful husband has to manage all 3 boys baseball schedules while coaching  too as I cannot get myself to go.

I had to stop and pull myself together on the way home from therapy after a car pulled out in front.  I burst into tears and start a panic attack.  I start back on my way home only to go a block and have another car pull out in front of me making me slam on the brakes once again.  Now I am shaking, crying, and thinking of just getting out of the van.  But somewhere deep down I was able to keep myself going as I knew that was not rational, but it is very scary when this happens.

I am happy Edward took tomorrow off work to go with me to my pre-op appointment for my ankle surgery.  I was really getting terrified about driving into Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti in the morning.  I don't know if he took it off for this reason or because he wants to work on the bedroom and just wants to go along for support.  After my short drive home from Chelsea I am so happy he will be with me, probably driving.

I feel like I am disappointing my family so much.  It is hard not to be able to handle the boys stuff, cook, clean, etc.  I know depression and anxiety are diseases like all others but I have guilt building even though getting better is what I need to be focused on.  I love my guys so much and feeling like an outsider looking in is probably the hardest part of everything I go through.

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