Monday, April 23, 2012

Long road, tiny steps is how I have to look at life right now.  End goal is the end of the long road.  Daily goals are the small steps.  I must be patient and let medicine work and therapy guide me back to the real me.  It is hard and I hate it as I am happy, but my brain says otherwise.

I know I blog here a lot about Fibromyalia, but along with that I suffer from Depression and Anxiety as most do with Fibromyalgia.  Right now Depression and Anxiety have the best of me.  I am exhausted not only from all this, but the medicines as well.  I can hardly pull myself out of bed, and most days fall asleep mid afternoon.  I am not doing anything I absolutely don't have to.  Some of that is good, some not so good.

I have developed anxiety about leaving the house, driving and going into a store.  I only am going out when I have to.  It is better if I go with someone, but alone is almost debilitating.  Today I had to go see the psychiatrist and planned on getting us some groceries since this are getting pretty bare around here. I went to my appointment and as I talked with the doctor my anxiety grew.  By time I left I was almost in panic.  Not sure why.  I know he is there to help.  Maybe the thought of going to the store when I left.

As I got into the van and started driving the tears came.  By time I was by the grocery store I knew there was no way I could go in alone if at all.  I just kept driving towards home, crying the whole way.  This is so new to me.  I never really had trouble going anywhere even with my anxiety except maybe the doctor's office or a hospital.  I want to stay home when I am alone.  Maybe because it all happened at a large store, then I had to drive to the safety of my doctor's office then the E.R.

I feel so guilty and like a failure.  Yes my brain knows I have an illness just like heart disease or diabetes, but it seems so different too.  I know a lot about these conditions so I know it is a biochemical illness mostly in my case.  I have not had major traumas or anything like that, but I do have a high family risk.

I am not ashamed like some are that suffer from Mental Illness.  I know it is not anything I can control, but the negative feeling come up no matter how hard I try to put them away.  I have been a bit public with my hospitalization so others no they are not alone, that it is OK to get help, and to bring more awareness to Depression and Anxiety.

So even though I have been on medicines for years and for the most part they have always worked, I look at being hospitalized as a new beginning for the long road, but it will need to be done in tiny steps.  Sometimes the steps could be backwards in feeling even, but they are still steps to feel better.With something like Depression and Anxiety I will always struggle to some extent, but we can find a way to cope with it and live life normally, so never give up.  Take every tiny step you need, to get to the end of the long road.

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