Friday, April 13, 2012
I ended up in the hospital, which was a great thing to start getting me back to me again. I melted down big time and started to have fleeting thought of suicide and just leaving my guys behind and go hide. I was extremely scared that I lost it forever, but now I know I can get the help I have been trying to get and with work I will be better.
I am concerned how it all affected my boys and my friend's daughter. All 4 were with me at Best Buy when I lost it. I cried from Ann Arbor to Chelsea and kept thinking I could just ram the van into the car in front of me, but I didn't and kept realizing that would hurt the kids and the other person so I kept an extra safe distance. I stayed in one lane of the hwy and just focused on getting to doctor's office.
Once at the doctor's I saw the psychologist I was seeing in the stress clinic and he sent me immediately to the ER and then into in patient behavioral health. I was anxious at first, but knew I was doing the right thing. As the days when on I felt better, but still not quite right. Then Tuesday evening it as a sudden change. I felt I was ready to come back home to my family and friends and start the out patient part.
So Wednesday I stuck to the schedule they had for us, but worked towards getting released. I was great to surprise the boys that mommy was home. I was home alone yesterday and just relaxed and not worry about things around the house. We headed out to get hubby's car and my phone back from Best Buy. That was something I knew I need to do. I had my husband and boys for support and I only got a few tears, but I walked back into that store with no panic attack. Though we both got back and realized we did not pick up his car from the hospital. I guess that will be tonight.
My reason for sharing this is not for you to feel sorry for me, but for you to know if you get out of control there is help everywhere. It will be OK and we don't need to hurt ourselves or others. Focus on warning signs too and get help before it gets this out of control. It would be the easier fix, but even at the point you are not in your so called "right" mind there is help. Listen to others as well as your self. I know I am blessed with many who care and even if you don't have a support system you can get one.
I am eager to start being my old self and restarting my life. You can have a happy life and be depressed, suffer anxiety, and a slue of many other mental illnesses. Don't allow others make you feel ashamed. Mental illness is a disease just like heart disease or diabetes. Get help if needed and never, ever give up.