I know my blog has changed off the subject of raising kids with Fibromyalgia and focusing on anxiety and depression. The same premise is here though. Talking about raising kids, in my case 3 boys, when mom suffers from pain. Anxiety and Depression do go very much hand in hand with Fibromyalgia. I will be talking about them both as they are major things in my life.
I promised myself that this week I would see Jacob's and Caleb's first baseball games of the season if nothing else. Well I don't think that is going to happen. I am a mess today. I can barely leave the bedroom, much less the house. I called my husband, Ed and talk to him. He assures me that Caleb will be OK. It is his first game tonight and I don't think I am going to be able to get the courage up to go.
Last night I was at Jacob's game which was great. Though I was anxious and nervous the whole time. Why, I couldn't tell you. Ever since I went into the hospital I have been developing the fear of going places and driving. I am going to try to make Caleb's next game on Thursday if I can't get myself together to go tonight. I have surgery on Friday and the next week I probably won't go to any, then Nicholas's games start and I will have to take him unless he can catch a ride. It won't be easy but I have to.
I really scares me to suddenly be afraid of driving or going out in public. Shoot I can't even just go outside hardly and today I don't want to leave the bedroom. My therapist thinks is may be a bit of post traumatic from driving during the major meltdown and that it all started to come to a head in a large store. It is just really confusing as I have always been independent going places and doing things. Now I feel like a huge failure to myself, my husband, and my boys.
Now if Ed is driving I tend to do OK. Though anxiety creeps in at time like if the traffic is too heavy or something like that. I am lucky to have a husband that is such a rock for me. He is always positive and wants to know what to do to help. I wish I knew.
It just breaks my heart that I am such a mess and that I am missing things. I also am having trouble taking care of things like cooking and laundry. Everything is just too much these days. I know for my guys I have to take this time to heal, but it is just so hard when I feel that I am letting them down and can't be the mom and wife I want to be.
No matter what illness or illnesses you suffer from, being a mom makes them hard, from not resting enough to feeling you have let everyone down. Fibromyalgia, Anxiety, Depression, Stress and other invisible diseased make it harder as others don't understand. So I hope by telling my stories not only am I getting therapy of getting it out, I hope you can relate to something and know you are not alone.