Long road, tiny steps is how I have to look at life right now. End goal is the end of the long road. Daily goals are the small steps. I must be patient and let medicine work and therapy guide me back to the real me. It is hard and I hate it as I am happy, but my brain says otherwise.
I know I blog here a lot about Fibromyalia, but along with that I suffer from Depression and Anxiety as most do with Fibromyalgia. Right now Depression and Anxiety have the best of me. I am exhausted not only from all this, but the medicines as well. I can hardly pull myself out of bed, and most days fall asleep mid afternoon. I am not doing anything I absolutely don't have to. Some of that is good, some not so good.
I have developed anxiety about leaving the house, driving and going into a store. I only am going out when I have to. It is better if I go with someone, but alone is almost debilitating. Today I had to go see the psychiatrist and planned on getting us some groceries since this are getting pretty bare around here. I went to my appointment and as I talked with the doctor my anxiety grew. By time I left I was almost in panic. Not sure why. I know he is there to help. Maybe the thought of going to the store when I left.
As I got into the van and started driving the tears came. By time I was by the grocery store I knew there was no way I could go in alone if at all. I just kept driving towards home, crying the whole way. This is so new to me. I never really had trouble going anywhere even with my anxiety except maybe the doctor's office or a hospital. I want to stay home when I am alone. Maybe because it all happened at a large store, then I had to drive to the safety of my doctor's office then the E.R.
I feel so guilty and like a failure. Yes my brain knows I have an illness just like heart disease or diabetes, but it seems so different too. I know a lot about these conditions so I know it is a biochemical illness mostly in my case. I have not had major traumas or anything like that, but I do have a high family risk.
I am not ashamed like some are that suffer from Mental Illness. I know it is not anything I can control, but the negative feeling come up no matter how hard I try to put them away. I have been a bit public with my hospitalization so others no they are not alone, that it is OK to get help, and to bring more awareness to Depression and Anxiety.
So even though I have been on medicines for years and for the most part they have always worked, I look at being hospitalized as a new beginning for the long road, but it will need to be done in tiny steps. Sometimes the steps could be backwards in feeling even, but they are still steps to feel better.With something like Depression and Anxiety I will always struggle to some extent, but we can find a way to cope with it and live life normally, so never give up. Take every tiny step you need, to get to the end of the long road.
Friday, April 13, 2012
I ended up in the hospital, which was a great thing to start getting me back to me again. I melted down big time and started to have fleeting thought of suicide and just leaving my guys behind and go hide. I was extremely scared that I lost it forever, but now I know I can get the help I have been trying to get and with work I will be better.
I am concerned how it all affected my boys and my friend's daughter. All 4 were with me at Best Buy when I lost it. I cried from Ann Arbor to Chelsea and kept thinking I could just ram the van into the car in front of me, but I didn't and kept realizing that would hurt the kids and the other person so I kept an extra safe distance. I stayed in one lane of the hwy and just focused on getting to doctor's office.
Once at the doctor's I saw the psychologist I was seeing in the stress clinic and he sent me immediately to the ER and then into in patient behavioral health. I was anxious at first, but knew I was doing the right thing. As the days when on I felt better, but still not quite right. Then Tuesday evening it as a sudden change. I felt I was ready to come back home to my family and friends and start the out patient part.
So Wednesday I stuck to the schedule they had for us, but worked towards getting released. I was great to surprise the boys that mommy was home. I was home alone yesterday and just relaxed and not worry about things around the house. We headed out to get hubby's car and my phone back from Best Buy. That was something I knew I need to do. I had my husband and boys for support and I only got a few tears, but I walked back into that store with no panic attack. Though we both got back and realized we did not pick up his car from the hospital. I guess that will be tonight.
My reason for sharing this is not for you to feel sorry for me, but for you to know if you get out of control there is help everywhere. It will be OK and we don't need to hurt ourselves or others. Focus on warning signs too and get help before it gets this out of control. It would be the easier fix, but even at the point you are not in your so called "right" mind there is help. Listen to others as well as your self. I know I am blessed with many who care and even if you don't have a support system you can get one.
I am eager to start being my old self and restarting my life. You can have a happy life and be depressed, suffer anxiety, and a slue of many other mental illnesses. Don't allow others make you feel ashamed. Mental illness is a disease just like heart disease or diabetes. Get help if needed and never, ever give up.