No More Guilt Needed

Below is an article I just read about the quilt moms with Fibromyalgia feel and worry about how their children will be effected by the conditions.  This article shows there is nothing to feel guilty about and that we actually become closer to our children in many ways.  Hopefully it will reassure you that even when you have to take care of yourself, you can still have a wonderful bond with your kids.

Published on Psychology Today

(http://www.psychologytoday.com)

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Parenting When You Have Fibromyalgia

By Jacob Teitelbaum, MD

Created Apr 13 2011 - 9:47am

Dear Readers,
It is hard enough taking care of yourself and your relationship with your spouse when you have fibromyalgia. But sometimes it breaks women's hearts as they worry about the effect on their children. The good news? It's been my experience that fibromyalgia in parents usually results in their children feeling even more loved and closer to their parents!
You may wonder how you can explain having fibromyalgia to your children without scaring them. Simply let your children know that you have a problem, but that it isn't dangerous. It just leaves you feeling tired and achy sometimes - kind of like when you have a cold or flu. So you can't do everything you'd like to do.
Feeling like they can't be there for their children is one of the hardest things many women with fibromyalgia fear. What I have found in treating thousands of women is that the fibromyalgia actually results in their having a closer and very loving relationship with their kids - because the Mom actually spends more time at home with the children, in settings that are warm and close such as reading a book or watching a movie with them. Because of this, I've seen that the children of women with fibromyalgia usually feel very close to their Moms, feel very loved, and do just fine!
As for your duties to your family, it's important to remember that if you don't take care of yourself first, you won't have anything left to give anyone else. Your body has a "use it or lose it" approach to efficiency. Because of this, if you don't stay somewhat active, you'll decondition and lose function. Do a walking program, but only to a level that feels comfortable. Use a pedometer to monitor your progress. Begin at a level that is comfortable (even if it's walking just a minute or 2) and aim over time to get to the 10,000 steps a day level.
In addition, Yoga and Tai Chi have both been shown to be very effective in helping to decrease pain and increase function in women with fibromyalgia - so these are also highly recommended. For the few of you that are too ill to even walk for a few minutes a day, starting with exercises in a warm water pool, which increases your buoyancy, can increase conditioning to where you can advance to walking and then more active exercises.
Taking care of yourself is a key to having energy for your kids. Having 5 children myself, I'll offer one more thought. If your children know that they are unconditionally loved, they will do just fine - no matter what! And your ability to love your children is something the fibromyalgia can't take away ;-)
Love & blessings,

Dr. T

Jacob Teitelbaum MD, is medical director of the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Centers, a national group of clinics. He is senior author of "Effective Treatment of CFS and FMS: A Randomized Double-Blind, Placebo-Controlled Study" (Journal of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, 2001:8(2):3-24) and "The Use of D-Ribose in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia: A Pilot Study" (Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 2006:12(9):857-862. Dr. Teitelbaum is also the author of From Fatigued to Fantastic! (Avery/Penguin Group, 3rd revised edition 2007), Pain Free 1-2-3 (McGraw-Hill), and Three Steps to Happiness! Healing Through Joy (Deva Press).
Dr. Teitelbaum knows CFS/Fibromyalgia as an insider. He contracted Chronic Fatigue Syndrome when he was in medical school and had to drop out for a year to recover. In the ensuing 30 years, he has dedicated his career to finding effective treatment. His web site endfatigue.com contains a sophisticated free computer program for analyzing symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome, which can create a complete medical record of a patient's case to help patients and physicians determine the best course of treatment to get well.

Extra Long Winter and Sickness

This has been a killer winter all over the United States.  From one storm after another, extreme cold, and many illnesses.  Then you come to my house.  LOL!

Actually winter has been very long here in Michigan, but even though we have had above average snowfall it seems like we have had very little on the ground at any given time.  Where we live in southeast Michigan snow comes and goes.  We joke, if you don't like the weather wait 10 minutes it will change.  We can see every season in one day here.

 Long, dark, cold days wreck havoc on a body with Fibromyalgia.  Cold makes us hurt.  Long, dark days of winter messes with our moods, which can and does worsen Fibromyalgia.  Then of course there is the other wonderful thing winter brings.  Illnesses.  

I think part of my being down so much both physically and mentally is that I have been so sick this winter.  Much more then I ever am.  The biggest thing is I have had strep 4 times or I never got over it.  Four courses of antibiotics and 3 different ones.  We shall see if this last one I am on now kicks it little streptococcus butts out of my body.  It is so bad this time my tonsils touched one another.  If I don't heal they will be doing further testing to make sure nothing else like Mononucleosis.  Really, at 39 years old I get it possibly. 

I know this winter has been so hard on my boys.  They can't get out and run and play.  Mom is crabby and sick most of it, plus the pesky ankle that they may do surgery on now.  They are getting left out much more then I want or like.  Maybe that is why they act so wild at home.  I am lucky they are good out of the house, but everything at home is a battle.  I try not to put too much of my bad stuff on them, but when I can't get out of bed, they don't get the mom they need and deserve. 

I am trying to be better everyday.  Catch up some things that have gone by the wayside, keep my patience in check, and be a mom they need.  I love my family more then the world and hate that so many physical aliments keep me from them.  More support is need to help others like us.  Until then we need to lean on one another and spread the word and get support for Fibromylgia.  As more learn the devastation of this condition hopefully there will be more understanding, treatments, and help for those inflicted.

Spring Break & Letting Boys Down

Feeling like a really horrible mom this morning.  Only a few days of Spring Break left for my boys this year and I have spent so much time in pain and anguish.  Today is a very bad day physically.  I can barely walk from the pain in my lower back and hip, not to mention that stupid ankle that won't heal.

Nicholas is spending a few days at a friends house so he at least is having a bit of fun, but I have the other 2 at home.  We are going to Great Wolf Lodge for a little one night getaway this weekend, but I feel like I have not done anything with the boys because since the weekend of Bridal Party duties I have been so flared. 

It breaks my heart that pain takes so much away from me and the boys.  I would love to get out and do something fun, though outside isn't an option because of the weather, but I am sure I could find something to do if I felt better.  The pain medicines make me sleep.  If I don't take them I am in pain and a grouch.  Either way we don't get good time together.

I love them so much and it hurts to see them not get to do things because of me.  They are not asking to do anything and seem happy watching TV and playing, but as a mom I would like to do more for them to make Spring Break more memorable.  I hope Great Wolf will be that time.  I will plow through that no matter what, but until then I feel as though I am a royal disappointment. 

Bridesmaid Duties Love/Hurt Relationship

This past weekend was a lot of fun.  My best friend from high school is finally getting married in May and this past weekend was her weekend.  We had the bachlorette party and bridal shower all in one weekend due to out of town bridal party members.

Saturday night was the bachlorette party.  Besides having a bit, maybe bit too much, to drink I was completely off my sleep schedule.  I don't do late nights often at all as they affect me way too much.  The killer was the dancing though, but my friend loves to dance and I was going to dance with her no matter how much it hurt me.

Sunday was the Bridal Shower.  I know I did not do the majority of the work, but I did everything I was asked and could for it.  Turn out to be a wonderful shower.  By time we left the church after the shower I was barely able to walk.  I helped with all clean up and everything that needed to be done that morning before the shower.  I was happy to help.  Again pushed the body too far.

Now I think I can relax until the rehearsal dinner and the actual wedding.  I know that weekend will do me in.  I plan to rest up before and after just like this one.  Since I got home from the shower till now I basically have been in bed and barely able to walk.

I know this is a lot for my body.  I also know I love my friend and would do anything for her and I feel blessed to be part of her biggest day that I plow through with no complaints to her and just do what I can to help myself through.  The hardest part I can think of now is with a bum ankle how am I going to wear hears to walk down the aisle?  As everything else it shall work out one way or the other.

Anxiety Overwhelms

Oh Boy!  It has surely been tough lately for me emotionally.  I am sinking lower and hiding from the world.  The stressors in my life have been non stop.  As you know with Fibromyalgia stress, anxiety and depression go hand in hand and feed off one another.

Since Friday night last week I have had a ton of panic attacks.  Some of it brought on by the fact I realized then I had to put down my beloved Siamese Ate' that has been part of my life for 18 plus years.  She was with me since I have been on my own as an adult.  Saturday morning was extremely sad and difficult for me.

Then my boys who I love more then anything and revolve my life around have been pushing me to my limits.  Complete disrespect for Ed, me and our home.  They trash the house, which I just can't keep up on.  The boys refuse to do their chores or help out.  It does not matter what we take away from them.  Stress, Stress, Stress.  Three boys, 3 stressors. 

Those are big things and usually will stress most anyone at any time.  Well I am noticing little things are getting to me as well.  I drop a fork or something as an example and I will break down and cry.  The tension in body is so bad.  The tension is causing pain.  If you touch me it hurts.  Have to remind hubby to do gentle hugs. 

Called the doctor.  Talked with his nurse and they upped one of my medications and he wants to see me.  The kicker is I can't get in till Monday.  I called this past Monday when I had no control of my panic attacks.  I don't know if I sounded bad, but the nurse made sure I knew where the Psychiatric E. R. was at U of M Hospital.  I am not suicidal.  Just sick of everything.  I am sure I will be a lot better by time I go in so I don't see a point, but I will go and spill the latest to him.  Maybe a medicine change is needed.  I know he wants me in counseling which we have not figured out in our budget, but I may just have to break down and go. 

My husband, Ed has been wonderful.  He is so supportive and loving when I meltdown.  I feel guilty to put it on him, hence more stress, more panic attacks, and more pain.   I am blessed with him and other family and friends who support me and are always there for me when I am down.

Anxiety, Depression, Fibromyalgia play on one another from my experience.  Anxiety causes pain, pain causes Depression and the cycle continues till you can break it.  Someone with our condition of Fibromyalgia has a hard time breaking this cycle.  I do know we need lots of love and support.  Medicines and counseling can help.  Perseverance through life is a must. 

When things overwhelmed you and you don't think you can do it.  Remember you are a worthwhile person and that you are loved.  Get help if need and turn to others who understand.  Never go it alone.

Laundry a Dreaded Job

This a task that must be done and with a family several times a week if not every day.  I just got done reading an article on making laundry easier with Fibromyalgia  on Facebook from About.com.  It was great as I am doing laundry today and I am so far behind on it.  It is the only real task I am doing besides going shopping for tile with hubby when he is home from work.

Ideas to make it easier are many.  Things listed in the article are great and I do some of them myself.  Don't use large baskets.  They are awkward and if loaded up are too heavy for us to carry.  Use small baskets especially if you have to carry up stairs.  I don't carry upstairs as I have my boys put away their own laundry. 

Make sure you take breaks between loads and kinds of loads.  If you have a lot of clothes you must hang either wash with items folded or make sure the next load is a folded load, that way you are doing a repetitive action too many times at one.  When I do laundry I start a load, dry a load and fold a load, then rest till time to switch it all again.  If my boys or husband are home I ask them to help change from washer to dryer to save that bending and twisting step since we do not have a front load set on pedestals.  One thing I want and would recommend to anyone with Fibro or any back problems. 

I have a counter in the laundry room to fold laundry on, but isn't the easiest to use when more then a load or too so I fold laundry in my bedroom on the bed.  The master bedroom is on the main floor so that is not too hard to do if the basket is not too heavy.  Then it all has to be put away before bed.  Each person in our family does their own.  My little trick to get it put away. 

Try and keep your laundry products where you can reach them easily.  Don't buys large containers.  If you want to buy in bulk like I do have a smaller container to divide it up in.  I like powdered soap as I can just take a scoop instead of lifting a large jug. 

I have large baskets in the laundry room to sort clothes into.  Another thing everyone is suppose to do is to sort there clothe accordingly.  Whites, colors, darks, jean, and hubby's work clothes.  Then I don't have to take hampers and sort all at once.  I can run a load when I see the basket is full enough for a load.

Now I do struggle to get everyone to help.  I do get laundry piled in bathrooms or bedrooms and I have to be on the boys and Ed to pick up and sort, but it is a pretty good thing when all do what is expected.  Setting the expectation is the hardest.  Even the youngest at 5 can do these small things to help.  A few simple changes and help from others makes a very hard job into a tolerable one.

Stress, Guilt, Flare

Today is the day of the Flare.  Started off wonderful.  Good news from ankle doctor and physical therapist.  Going to try and wean off therapy session and just do at home.  Insuring, plating, and changing the title of the car we bought for my husband, Ed to drive to work.  Made decision about whether to do floor or get me a car with better gas mileage - floors won. 

We were out running a few more errands.  Then we were going to see about getting the flooring for the kitchen and dining area and maybe the living room even though I was hurting I felt good. Sun was out, a bit warmer then it has been, then BAM!  Our Expedition starts making this noise and rubber burning smell.  OK, we thought tire.  Nope, something blew.

We hobble to O'Reilly's Auto Parts Store to see if we can get tools and parts to fix.  Spark plug was unscrewed not blow, good.  New coil, plug, maybe something else.  Hubby's job.  Got that done still running rough.  I am melting down long before this.  Everything around us has been breaking.

Decide to look at this used Excursion again.  Not sure if we should do it out not.  We decided to see what trade in would be and if we can get a loan.  Some hiccups on credit right now due to so much happening.  Waiting on that answer.  I am not a good waiter.  Gives time to worry and stress. 

Well stress and worry is not something a person with Fibromyalgia should be doing.  Stress either physical or emotional as I have read in many articles is a huge reason for a flare.  Well physically I have had a lot of stress with being sick forever and the ankle.  I have daily stress of the boys, animal, house, etc.  Now all of this car trouble. 

Finally thought we were out of it.  Got Ed a work car, return in laws car after a break down, tow, and easy fix.  Now my vehicle is going to give us an issue???  I am ready to go back to horse and buggy days. 

How come stress must cause pain?  How come I can't deal with the stress?  Stress puts me into panic attacks and flares as well as depression.  Then I am in bed with heat and medicine missing out on my boys.  Then the guilt factor comes in, which causes stress, pain, flares, and attacks.  It is such a vicious circle.  Many will say exercise.  That is something I want to start doing again, but the ankle is not ready quite yet for that. 

Then I have the most wonderful husband who takes care of everything when I am down like this.  He takes care of the boys, orders pizza, tries to reason with me which is not an easy task.  He tries to point out the good and help me not stress and relax.  Of course, I feel guilty for that with how hard he works to take care of the boys and I .  Not all men are the man he is.  Even the boys know to be nice when I am like this.  They may not help out, but they tell me they want me to feel good and not hurt.  They will give gentle hugs. Gentle not easy for boys.

I am blessed in many, many ways, so why do I let myself do this to myself and my family.  I need to learn to handle stress so much better.  I know that exercise is a great stress reliever.  I have started saying nightly prayers again when I go to bed and it does seem to be helping.  Meditation would probably be great too.  Don't know how.  Maybe I need to look that up and start that.  We as Fibromites must keep stress at a minimum or we will be knocked down hard.  I know I have been right now and will struggle for a bit to get control of my body again, so please learn from me to let things go, especially the little things so you can live a better life with less pain.