I want to post an entry into this blog again as times have been tough for me as I am sure it is for you with Fibromyalgia, Depression, and Anxiety. This week in particular has been very hard with my emotions and that then turns into a lot of physical pain. Physical pain then plays with your emotions. For me right now my mental health is the worst, and what makes that even worse is because of ankle surgery it is hard to be proactive with things like exercise that will help me mentally.
This week has been very scary. In the last two days I have had two experiences that really scared me and one was quite stupid. I was ready to confront and take down a guy on a motorcycle who cut me off as he was going the wrong way, then blocked me. I would have got out of my van and took him down if I had not just had a new cast put on. I did engage in an argument with him and really truly told him off. I normally avoid any and all confrontations. It was almost like I was out of my body or mind. It was not me.
Second was last night after Jacob's baseball game. We came home and I was fed up with the boys not listening, back talking, etc. I started yelling and screaming until I realized what I was doing, then I went to the bedroom. For some reason I came back out and the kids were fighting and yelling at me like how dare I ask them to do their chores. I had enough. I said, "I am leaving". I went and put on my shoe and walked out the door and started down the road.
Ed chased me down, not that it was hard since my left leg is in a cast. He stopped me and calmed me down and talked me back to the house. Once he got me in the house he guided me to the bedroom and told me to stay there and he would deal with the kids. Of course the guilt came in. I had actually planned dinner and was going to cook till I couldn't find dishes or clean ones as the boys will not do them right. That is what set me off. So I did not cook. The boys had sandwiches or something of the like, Ed ate cereal and when I calmed down I ate a little bit of carmel corn.
I am very drained physically and emotionally. I am afraid to drive or be in public alone (without Ed). Even when I do get out I can only be out for a short period of time or things like the above happen. I have missed some of the boys games because I just can't go out of the house. Sometimes I can't even leave the bedroom. I feel so checked out and not there like I should be as a wife, mom, and friend.
If you have an mental issues don't be embarrassed. Get help. It is an illness and nothing to be ashamed of. I am trying to bring more awareness to it as I believe so many don't get help that need to. Even though I have had help for years I still wore down. I am being treated now in different ways and have a long road ahead, but I know one thing. I cannot ever give up the fight. I have too many blessings not to fight and you do too if you look for them.