Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Missing Caleb's 1st Baseball Game of the Season

I know my blog has changed off the subject of raising kids with Fibromyalgia and focusing on anxiety and depression.  The same premise is here though.  Talking about raising kids, in my case 3 boys, when mom suffers from pain.  Anxiety and Depression do go very much hand in hand with Fibromyalgia.  I will be talking about them both as they are major things in my life.

I promised myself that this week I would see Jacob's and Caleb's first baseball games of the season if nothing else.  Well I don't think that is going to happen.  I am a mess today.  I can barely leave the bedroom, much less the house.  I called my husband, Ed and talk to him.  He assures me that Caleb will be OK.  It is his first game tonight and I don't think I am going to be able to get the courage up to go.

Last night I was at Jacob's game which was great.  Though I was anxious and nervous the whole time.  Why, I couldn't tell you.  Ever since I went into the hospital I have been developing the fear of going places and driving.   I am going to try to make Caleb's next game on Thursday if I can't get myself together to go tonight.  I have surgery on Friday and the next week I probably won't go to any, then Nicholas's games start and I will have to take him unless he can catch a ride.  It won't be easy but I have to.

I really scares me to suddenly be afraid of driving or going out in public.  Shoot I can't even just go outside hardly and today I don't want to leave the bedroom.  My therapist thinks is may be a bit of post traumatic from driving during the major meltdown and that it all started to come to a head in a large store.  It is just really confusing as I have always been independent going places and doing things.  Now I feel like a huge failure to myself, my husband, and my boys.

Now if Ed is driving I tend to do OK.  Though anxiety creeps in at time like if the traffic is too heavy or something like that.  I am lucky to have a husband that is such a rock for me.  He is always positive and wants to know what to do to help.  I wish I knew.

It just breaks my heart that I am such a mess and that I am missing things.  I also am having trouble taking care of things like cooking and laundry.  Everything is just too much these days.  I know for my guys I have to take this time to heal, but it is just so hard when I feel that I am letting them down and can't be the mom and wife I want to be.

No matter what illness or illnesses you suffer from, being a mom makes them hard, from not resting enough to feeling you have let everyone down.  Fibromyalgia, Anxiety, Depression, Stress and other invisible diseased make it harder as others don't understand.  So I hope by telling my stories not only am I getting therapy of getting it out, I hope you can relate to something and know you are not alone.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Bad Scoring and Slight Agoraphobia Now

We as moms with or without any debilitating thing are so stressed.  I feel like I am still falling apart despite medicine changes and therapy.  I am just so impatient.  I know this is going to be a long road for me to get back to myself so I can be everything I want to be; a great wife, mom, and friend.

I am really happy and I am happy I have finally found and am receiving the help I need.  That said, it is so overwhelming.  Today in therapy my therapist had me take the Breck Test I think it is called.  On one the anxiety part I score moderate, not the greatest.  On the depression part I got a 54 I think it was with 64 being the worst and something like 29 being moderate.  As you can see it is really going to take a commitment to feel better.  I am determined though no matter how long or what it takes.

I am also starting to develop a bit of agoraphobia he said.  I am afraid to drive or go out in public.  I am definitely in an avoidance phase with this.  Like tonight my wonderful husband has to manage all 3 boys baseball schedules while coaching  too as I cannot get myself to go.

I had to stop and pull myself together on the way home from therapy after a car pulled out in front.  I burst into tears and start a panic attack.  I start back on my way home only to go a block and have another car pull out in front of me making me slam on the brakes once again.  Now I am shaking, crying, and thinking of just getting out of the van.  But somewhere deep down I was able to keep myself going as I knew that was not rational, but it is very scary when this happens.

I am happy Edward took tomorrow off work to go with me to my pre-op appointment for my ankle surgery.  I was really getting terrified about driving into Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti in the morning.  I don't know if he took it off for this reason or because he wants to work on the bedroom and just wants to go along for support.  After my short drive home from Chelsea I am so happy he will be with me, probably driving.

I feel like I am disappointing my family so much.  It is hard not to be able to handle the boys stuff, cook, clean, etc.  I know depression and anxiety are diseases like all others but I have guilt building even though getting better is what I need to be focused on.  I love my guys so much and feeling like an outsider looking in is probably the hardest part of everything I go through.